On the first day of christmas Blizzard gave to me,
a brand new SCV.
I'm a man of simple pleasures. I'm in an aspiring punk/ska/rock band called Ska Bands Like Us and I grew up on good games. I like things like midnight soccer, eating, nomenclature, computers, and above all, music.
Think you know art? You wouldn't know art if it sat in your lap and called you momma. Okay really, but check out my friend Adeline's photography. Her stuff will be up for print soon!
So...I'm writing an amateur treatise that blends what used to be called "natural law" with a methodical disassembly of widely accepted and pop religious/spiritual thought using careful cultural analyses, well established history (much with archaeological/paleological support), the "words of god" and the far more plentiful words of people who think they speak for the infinite. The most powerful--and useful--part of this treatise in progress is a thread throughout which seeks to establish a secular ethical code extending law no further than a minimalist limit synchronized with market demand. An ethical code that fluxuates (in purpose, form, as well as strenuosity) with the economic needs of a society while clearly establishing rules, roles, and practicible individual responsiblity (to oneself and to one's society). This is not so radical as it seeks only to make transparent for all to see, those things which already and have always occurred as a result of struggle within a society and as a result of our neccessary responses to multi-national competition. The most disturbing conclusion to be found so far in these essays is the inevitable (I think) tendency towards making every member of society a cash-money ho'. The response is a little more interesting--how to make cash money ho's enviable and even ethically sound (whereas now, people behave as though they are aghast at materialism while simultaneously behaving as sucklings on the healthy teets of commerce and cheap cheap answers to human desire.) The goal is to make them cheaper. Hedonism could be a good thing...oh and don't forget to put the toilet seat down.
Please excuse "Satellite" by BT, as I have no idea why it goes into Amazing Grace, haha. Just click next. Unless of course...you feel like listenin to some ol' soul.
A REALLY kick ass RPG for PS1 and Asians. El oh El. Dispatching from the normal RPG world of fantasy, dragons, or Mario, you are simply a group of humans who attend St. Hermelin High School in the modern city. From playing a ritualistic game (probably Pokemon mixed with the Ouija board) all of the players pass out. Waking up later to see that they can summon other "selves", basically big ol' demon guys from within, they all try to save their vegetable-state friend Mary who's stuck in the hospital but get sucked into her mind's world via some evil guy's machine designed to tap other dimensions. *enhales*. Sound weird? You'll be pleasantly surprised. In a nut-shell...it had a great soundtrack and a great premise for a young kid with a disposition who dreams a lot and saw Goonies a little too much.
Okay this one goes WAY back but it was a cool one nonetheless. Though first on Macintosh systems, it later spawned to consoles, such as Nintendo, retaining its point-and-click capabilities. Set in the 1940's slick-Rick, "hard-boiled" detective scene, you were detective Ace Harding, a retired boxer who gets himself into PI work. After a hard long night of coke lines and trannies (okay, not really), the player awakes in a bathroom stall and can't remember who he is. Really fellas...need I say more?
Normally, this would be self-explanatory, but in this PC world I gotta assume that SOMEONE hasn't played it before. It was a CLASSIC of a game. You, a delightful and courageous knight in shining 80's denim named David Miller, has your girl abducted. The DL on the street is that she's been taken to the creepy mansion on the outskirt of town and you get to choose two friends to go get her. From a developer's standpoint, it was innovative in gaming because it introduced new ideas into gameplay, such as multiple endings and clues actually contained in cinematics. Rest in Peace, Sexy Sandy Pants. P.S. To people who've played it...was that REALLY ketchup...?
Being released for the Sega Genesis in '93 (somewhere around your infamous roller-blade phase), a mighty game came out. For some reason I've always played games totally out of order, starting at 2, going to 1, then by the time I'm done with THAT, part 3 comes out. That might explain why I liked 2 so much...Nonetheless this game featured 4 take-no-gruff unique fighters to win back the brother of one. From a professional wrestler, a kid on roller blades (see, I told you) with an attitude, a brunette with legs like a guillotine, and a just-plain bad ass in a white tee, you would punch, kick, back-break, head-pound, and blue-thing-slice your way through 8 stages of pure madness and fun. The best part about it is that you literally turned your CD player (or cassette at the time) OFF to play the game. With fast-paced-adrenaline pumping beats to keep your thumbs a-pounding at the bad guys, this game was perfect by definition. And by definition I mean, Jonathan says so. w3rd.
One of the first, and few, racing games that I loved. For the Super Nintendo System, it was just an all around unique futuristic racing game with full 3-D tracks and an interesting soundtrack composed by Yumiko Kanki and Naoto Ishida to keep you going. Offering 4 COMPLETELY unique race cars, you could spend a good while racing a buddy or going for the glory with the passenger seat empty. Believe you me *spits*, if the future looked like that, I'd HAVE to race all day.
Hailing on the 16-bit market as one of the first games to use one megabyte (twice the amount of standard Genesis games), Strider set a precedent in finding real meaning in why I was devoted to a particular game. It was a multi-scrolling action thriller where you, a sword-wielding ninja hunk, runs, slashes, summersaults, and slides your way through 5 very homogeneous and fantastically designed levels before the final showdown. Yeah 5 is relatively short, but you never got quite tired of slashing your way through robot baddies in raccoon hats. You just felt so literally cool playing the game. One thing to note about the game is that the stages, though wonderfully designed (modeled in part on Kazakhstan), was actually just one giant, fully contained set-piece, giving it more of an episodic feel, which in turn gave the game its uniqueness. The only other game I can think of that did this, for the most part, is Sonic. I can't imagine why noone tried to top that. Though the price derailed by the time I was old enough to play it, it was $80 in 1990!!!!! Read that again!! When I think how people possibly dug up the cash for such a thing, I am brought back down to earth when I think of Pogs, Yo-Yos, Pokemon, and other fads throughout the years. Rest in piece Strider, and may you one day be reborn.
Possibly one of the funnest games of all time. Being released in 1989, Golden Axe let you wield 1 of 3 sweaty kick ass heroes bent on revenge in the greatest hack'n'slash of the early 90's. The next would probably be Diablo. The three characters, though totally taken out of Dungeons and Dragons (yeah I had a Dwarf) were Gilius Thunderhead, a double-edged battle axe wielding dwarf with a fuse as short as he was, Ax Battler, the only broad-sword wielding barbarian in the land in electric blue, and last, but not least, Tyris Flare, a long sword she-devil Amazonian with an appetite for men. I wanna go play it now...
"GET TO THA CHOPPA'!!!
While living your life as an eccentric millionaire by day, your natural "in-stinks" over come you by night. Fart, burp, or toss boogers at baddies in a purely hilarious game that fulfills that part of us as gamers that don't always want to play an epic, but merely want to play a gimmick. There's really not much to say, because the story was retarded, but nonetheless keeps you playing it on a rainy day. I gotta stop now, I'm laughing from nostalgia.
Okay, let me put on my WTF hat real quick. Seriously this game in all honesty wasn't THAT bad of a game, but there was so many flaws in it you really just wanted to turn it off after a while and go do homework or something. Yes a game that made you do, in turn, something productive. I HOPE you can see the flaw in it now. Anyways, every time I played it I felt like I was in some children's tale gone horribly corrupt - or just Legend with Tom Cruise. Being released first for the Commodore Amiga, it later spawned to other consoles, such as Sega, where I had the enjoyment of playing pure, digital, 16-bit vanity for hours on end. It was unheard of for that amount of colors on screen at once, and the audio in the game was noted for its high quality instruments. With some interesting character design and stage art-work, and a pretty wicked story to boot, you're probably asking "Why, oh why Jonathan do you feel this game is so bad then?". Thank you for asking. I'll tell you why. My house got flooded and the game got ruined so I'm running purely off of memory here (though that's pretty sharp) so help me if I'm wrong with the amount of lives.
Through the entire game you had 3 lives and 14 hitpoints for each life. And you guessed it - no continues. Nada. There was no way to get continues either. So no matter how far you got, as this game redefines "far" as a relative term in the gamer's language, if you died 3 times, you were done for. It was actually considered to be one of the hardest game's in history, due mainly however to some technical conversion problems onto the Sega genesis (such as MGHz refresh rate). An interesting story about that on the "Ports" section of the Wikipedia page. So try it if you like. Find it if you can. Burn it if you wish. Just remember, you can't beat the Sega version without the invincibility cheat. Can you say Lame-o?
The start-up music was cool though...
Games this incredibly cheezy and straight up crappy don't come along too often, so in that sense I'm honored to have played it. Though the basis for the game was on to something, the game itself was, at best, an "I-think-I-can". Poor little Centurion -- he thought he could. In the game you play a Centurion who has died in battle and is raised to rescue Athena, the daughter of Zeus. See? That part's cool. But unfortunately, that's about it. Along the way of fighting strangely similar legions of undead creatures (the same baddies just in red blue AND green) you have to obtain spirit's ball - I mean Spirit balls to beef up. Don't worry, unlike steroids, Spirit Balls weren't regulated in the 80's. Fighting your way through several stages you come to a boss at the end of each one that let's out the cheeziest bag of cheeze in the form of "WELCOME TO YOUR DOOM!", then laughs strangely like that chick from Prince of Thieves. To sum up, the character's movements were literally like a toy soldier with joints only in his shoulders, the music and the sounds were like Manos: Hands of Fate, and the coined "Rise from your grave!" from Zeus came out as "Wise fwom your gwave" - due to technical limitations of the hardware/software. I wonder if Zeus is huntin any wabbits this season...
Project: Horned Owl was a ridiculous first person arcade shooter game (just like Area 51) with very little conversion difference from the arcade version itself. Based on the Japanese anime, Policenauts, you, a best friend if needed, and a secretary lady who talks to you through your cop mask to brief you on missions or hint at her sexual frustration, would battle your way through constant typical warehouses, (oh, all the poor boxes!) malls, and carports to...well I never really finished. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, I was young, but the one thing to note about this game is that it was not notable. There just wasn't anything interesting about the game to keep you playing. Of course this is just me talking. The character artist from Ghost in the Shell created the models for this game, so you can expect some well-drawn and highly detailed characters throughout the game. Unfortunately, that's the only thing you'll look forward to - watching someone else play it.
I know that's a pretty bold title but I assure you that these choices are not taken ENTIRELY from my own opinions and that I thought long and hard about the criteria of "All Time". I believe that the greatest games must be timeless in their appeal, unending in their ability to stimulate, and down right universal in their attraction to the masses. Simply put, Great Games never die and likewise always find a home on evolving consoles, the big screen, and above all, right in your living room. Don't be drinkin' no Hatarade.
Oh that Dr. Cox, what will he say next? Go WATCH IT! Don't have cable? But you have the internet? First off that's a little strange priority, but fear not - QuickSilverScreen
Yes yes, I'm a brown coat. With an utterly witty and delightful cast, Firefly lets people like me (who just never really liked Starwars) fill that void of space fantasy and hot chicks. I'm torn between who I wanna do: Joss Whedon or Jewel Staite. Yeah, it's just that good.
What can I say...he made me want to go to college and get roomies. haha. Seriously. Let your kids grow up on Rocko, but be warned...Mr. Bighead isn't for everyone.
Adults don't understand it. Neither do I. Point is, there's nothing to understand. It's what I believe is the first slap-stick cartoon. Watch out Boston.
An utter classic!!! I don't know why it didn't last that long...oh wait, yeah I do. It wasn't "reality" enough for MTV. Well damn it! It was my reality! Okay, maybe not, but it was my type of humor.
Hailing from the United Kingdom, this show is a bit of an old one, but nonetheless a freakin classic. It made space seem like a big cuddly teddy bear. Shows like this need to exist more. No no no, I take this back, just release this one on DVD.
Quite possibly the greatest show of all time. Really. I mean that. My favorite episode? The MOLE PEOPLE, MUAH HAHAHA. Favorite quote? "BIG McLARGE HUGE"
First Michael Richards astonished the nation with his racist outburst at a comedy club and now a black Canadian family has encountered a racist couch. Doris Moore ordered a dark brown couch from Vanaik Furniture of Toronto and was surprised to read the name on the label: Nigger brown. Oh my.
Moore was quite upset, especially because her 7-year-old daughter was the first to read the label.
"My daughter saw the label and she knew the color brown, but didn't know what the other word meant. She asked, 'Mommy, what color is that?' I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. I never thought that's how she'd learn of that word,"Moore said. That’s how most of us learn our first racist name. My first bicycle was a beautiful, shiny Dirty Mick. The mother complained to the store, who immediately blamed the supplier, who blamed a computer translation program. Now we are onto the Chinese, the makers of the software program. Those damn Chinese, always going after the black man.
The makers of the program, Kingsoft, say it was a regrettable error. Apparently it was all the fault of a dictionary. The company has been using the dictionary for ten whole years, way back when all dictionaries defined dark as “nigger.”
The owner of Vanaik Furniture claims he didn’t even know what the word meant.
"It's amazing. I've been here since 1972 and I never knew the meaning of this word," said Vanaik, a native of India.
Dude, you need to get out more.
The new couch owner is talking to a lawyer and, of course, will seek compensation. But so many questions now need to be answered. How much do you get when your couch is a filthy racist? Does Al Sharpton know about the couch? If the couch is replaced, where does the couch go? Does David Duke need a couch? Should we give the couch another chance? Does it have a matching ottoman?
For now, Moore and her three children are trying to deal with having a racist couch in their living room.
"Something more has to be done. We don't just need a personal apology, but someone needs to own up to where these labels were made, and someone needs to apologize to all people of color," Moore said. "I had friends over from St. Lucia yesterday and they wouldn't sit on the couch."
Fucking A. Don’t sit on that motherfucker; don’t even let the dog get on it. That would be like putting your ass on the corpse of Strom Thurmond. Either way though, I had a laugh. Or three.
Jerry Falwell died today. He died as he lived; fat and awful. Just imagine the look on his face when he arrived in hell. Priceless.
Falwell was found in his office and rushed to a Lynchburg hospital where he was pronounced dead. And oddly, he was also pronounced a dick. I didn’t think doctors could do that but I was wrong.
Falwell, 73, was the founder of the Moral Majority, which is actually a minority. They used the word majority so they would feel better about themselves.
He was truly a man of Jesus. Two days after the attack on the World Trade Center in 2001, Jerry had this to say..
"Abortionists…gays, lesbians, the ACLU and People for American Way helped this happen." The next day he apologized for stating what was truly in his heart.
At least he still has the Rapture to look forward to.
So long, ya creep.
Hey, don't forget about the Gamervision GTA IV event on Sunday night at 9:00, eastern time. Send me or any other GV staffers your Xbox Live Gamertag, and we'll invite you over. All of Gamervision looks forward to running you over and lighting you up with rockets!
morning! I've spent most of this weekend playing Final Fantasy VII, and also Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core. I'm in a very Final Fantasy mood, I guess. But now it's bright and sunny so I guess I should go outside and do something productive! or not... how are you?
also, every time I see Maniac Mansion on your profile, I get excited all over again! Yes, someone else on this site who loves that game!!
I'm a full-time staff writer for GV, I graduated from college (University of the Arts in Philly) in 2005. I've been working here for about five months, and I love it! How about you? School? Work?
whoa! i totally got distracted by the overwhelming presence of maniac mansion love on your profile. i get made fun of all the time but that's my favorite game! it's so good and it holds up so well even after 20 years. so... yeah!
but i don't think it WAS ketchup, if you know what i'm saying.
"GET TO THA CHOPPA'!!!
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happy 4th!
Nothing much... getting ready to head up to Jersey for some eating and swimming and such.
Doing anything fun for the 4th? This is my first summer NOT working in retail in four years, so I'm more excited than usual.
BOUT TIME. SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW SLOW.
I don't know, I thought it was your turn to watch all the white women!
Hey, don't forget about the Gamervision GTA IV event on Sunday night at 9:00, eastern time. Send me or any other GV staffers your Xbox Live Gamertag, and we'll invite you over. All of Gamervision looks forward to running you over and lighting you up with rockets!
morning! I've spent most of this weekend playing Final Fantasy VII, and also Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core. I'm in a very Final Fantasy mood, I guess. But now it's bright and sunny so I guess I should go outside and do something productive! or not... how are you?
also, every time I see Maniac Mansion on your profile, I get excited all over again! Yes, someone else on this site who loves that game!!
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!
I thought I read "Shadow of the Colossus" under "lost games that should be left lost" and got ready to ride to Texas and stab your weak spot.
I'm a full-time staff writer for GV, I graduated from college (University of the Arts in Philly) in 2005. I've been working here for about five months, and I love it! How about you? School? Work?
whoa! i totally got distracted by the overwhelming presence of maniac mansion love on your profile. i get made fun of all the time but that's my favorite game! it's so good and it holds up so well even after 20 years. so... yeah!
but i don't think it WAS ketchup, if you know what i'm saying.
aww i love that valentine! thanks!
There's all kinds of shit that is up, just not in my corner of the world. My life is a diorama of repetitiveness and boring-hood.
come on mackuss! spit it out!
sup ho!? you get your xbox live back yet?
That Metroid app is now on my iPhone.
That's good looking out.
niiiiiiiichhhe
pretty good. we have expanded into a daily dairy blog that just launched today. i think you should check it out.
TheDailyDairy.com
you sir have been invisible lately
That new pic is fucking awesome. It looks like the cover of an album.