Below is a recap of this morning’s Wil Wheaton panel, which was jam-packed full of fans just waiting to hear what this charismatic game-loving actor had to say. Due to the complete lack of internet in the Serpent Theater, across the street from the main convention center, I am unable to bring you the musings of Wil live, but just pretend that I did. Will he drop a bunch of f-bombs to the horror of parents of small children? Will he tell Jack Thompson to suck his balls again? Find out below.

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11:06: It is freaking hot in the Serpent Theater. I’m starving and have only had two cups of coffee today. I’ve been looking forward to seeing Wil Wheaton all weekend (other than the small glances I got at him during the Penny Arcade panels), and I’m ready to get this show on the road.

11:08: The Enforcers are enforcing, trying to crack down on people holding seats for others. I glance at Tim’s camera equipment in the seat next to mine, wondering if he will make it back in time.

11:11: I get ready to fight some dude eyeing Tim’s seat just as Tim shows up to save the day. Now you guys will have awesome video footage at some indeterminate time in the near future! The Enforcers announce that if you are saving a seat, it is no longer saved. Pssh, I would have fought them till the end.

11:15: An Enforcer who is certainly not Wil Wheaton is sitting onstage, bopping his head to Harry and the Potters. Tim: “Wil Wheaton put on weight.”

11:18: Sign language lady is back! I hope she gives everyone the finger again.

11:21: Oh shit, things are happening. The Enforcer is trying to get everyone all hyped up for the cameraman. Dude, you’re still not Wil Wheaton, go away.

11:31: I’m passing the time by watching sign language lady in action.

11:32: Music goes off. A different Enforcer takes the stage and introduces Wil Wheaton, Captain of the U.S.S. Awesome. Damn right he is!

11:33: Jesus, he’s fucking cute.

11:33: “I have two things to say. The first thing: PAX is AWESOME! Second thing: Jack Thompson can STILL suck my balls! I know I’m not supposed to kick a guy when he’s down, but fuck him!”

11:34: He talks about doing the keynote last year, one of the most terrifying and rewarding experiences of his life.

11:34: He’s going to read some of the stuff he’s written to us. Aw, I in so deliriously in love with him. I hope my boyfriend and his wife don’t mind that we’re destined to be together.

11:35: He fucking rickrolls us in a dramatic interpretation of the lyrics to “Never Gonna Give You Up.”

11:36: He reads a story about collecting Star Wars figures as a kid and using them to act out his version of fanfiction. He took them everywhere in a shoebox that doubled as a rebel base. I obviously can’t recreate this story word-for-word, but you’ll get to see it all on video, and it’s great.

11:53: “That’s right, I made a dick joke, what are you gonna do about it?” Cheers.

11:54: He’s put together a sort of greatest hits album of his stuff to read to us called “Sunken Treasure.”

11:55: “I used to work on this show called Star Trek. I don’t know how popular it was in the United States, but it’s like the number one show in Lithuania.”

11:56: He discusses how Star Trek eventually become a great show that he’s so proud to be a part of, but the first season is really not that great. He’s going to read a review that he wrote of one of the episodes. It’s fucking hilarious.

12:06: Finishes reading his “review”, which mostly consisted of retelling an episode and tearing it apart line by line. He says writing these things is more fun than actually watching the episodes again.

12:08: “This concludes the me-reading-to-you portion of our panel.” It’s time for Q&A. People are rushing to the microphone. “Be cool, PAX, be cool.”

12:09: First question: “How can one guy be a panel, even Wil Wheaton?” “Kinda like this, baby. NEXT.”

12:10: He talks about reading Generation X when he was 20 and how, when you’re 20, you think things are more important and you’re smarter than you actually are. “Sorry to any 20-year-olds, but the sooner you realize this the better.” Agreed.

12:14: Will he be on any more online shows? Absolutely. “No one would give a shit about me at all if I didn’t do stuff online… There are lots and lots of super-creative people who are taking their stuff and putting it online.”

12:18: Someone wants Wil to sing “Happy Birthday” to his wife. Wil does a Shatner-like rendition of “Happy Birthday” after saying “You should all be happy that I already burned my one chance to rickroll you.”

12:19: Does he ever wish that he did something else instead of Star Trek? Wil is so happy with the way his life turned out that he is, even though it kind of pigeonholed him and kept him from getting other roles. There was a time that he really regretted some of his decisions, like Star Trek, but if not for that he doesn’t know if he would be a writer now.

12:21: “They ask me to do reality TV all the time, and I always say ‘Thank you, but I think I still have some career left.’”

12:22: What is the most underappreciated video game of all time? “Of all time? Listen man, I’ve been playing video games since the beginning.” Shadowgate, Uninvited, and Déjà vu are listed off the top of his head.

12:23: Was there one episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation that defined the series for him? He brings up an episode called “Tapestry,” saying that he’s not sure if it defines the series, but it’s one of his favorite episodes.

12:24: Some of these Star Trek jokes are just flying right over my head. Sorry, guys, I’ve never seen the show, so you’ll have to decipher it yourself on video.

12:27: What are some of the most astonishing things he’s been able to get away with in D&D or other tabletop games? In one game, he once rolled an 18 on a disguise roll, got to look like the president, and walked around pretty much destroying the government from the inside.

12:29: “I will always lose in any fight ever.”

12:30: Has he thought about taking his Star Trek writings and turning them into an audio track to go with the episodes? He’s thought about it, but it would take some re-writing, and it may not work as well. He isn’t opposed to trying.

12:33: “George Lucas should do what we want him to do, which is STOP SUCKING AND STOP FUCKING WITH OUR CHILDHOODS.”

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And thus ends my last PAX panel. Hope you guys have been enjoying the coverage as much as I’ve enjoyed covering them!

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