After months of hype and a fairly large advertising blitz, the newest skateboarding game, Tony Hawk: Ride has finally come out. The reviews are starting to come out as well, and, to put it mildly, it’s not looking good. Although a few reviewers have been singing the game’s praises, there’s a fair number of people who think that the whole idea of the game was little more than a glorified gimmick. But maybe you’ve already bought the game, or maybe some misguided aunt with a misplaced sense of what’s cool is going to give it to you for the holidays. Once you’ve gotten through the frustration that playing the game is, you will find yourself stuck with a four pound piece of plastic that can’t be played with any other game, and shouldn’t be played with Ride. What are you to do? Well, we’re here to help! We now present the Top Ten Alternate Uses for the Ride skateboard. You’re welcome!

10. Tombstone for Halloween

It’s November, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start getting ready for next year’s Halloween. Everyone always loves that one house in the neighborhood that goes the extra mile and sets up a creepy haunted house on their lawn, complete with strobe light, scary sounds coming through speakers, and a fake cemetery in the front yard. With the Ride peripheral, you can add a grave for the once great game franchise to scare off all the young would-be developers. “HERE LIES THE TONY HAWK GAME FRANCHISE. KILLED BY skate.” Spoooooky!

9. Nail File

I know what you’re thinking, it’s not actual grip tape on the plank, so it wouldn’t really work all that well as a nail file. But trust me when I tell you that it would work far better as a nail file than as a skateboard game peripheral.


8. Serving Tray for an X-Games Party

You’ve heard of Super Bowl parties. You’ve heard of Oscar parties. But why not be the first person in your circle of friends to throw an X-Games party? Decorate your house with colored streamers, offer your guests their choice of energy drink laden beverages, and serve your hors d'oeuvres on a tray shaped like a skateboard. EXTREME!

7. Hoverboard Accessory for Your Back to the Future 2 Costume

You’ve waited your whole life for Mattel to finally release the hoverboard that was featured so prominently in the opening of Back to the Future 2, but even though it’s almost 2010, we’re nowhere closer than we were when the movie come out. But for all of the Marty McFly cos-players out there, nothing says authentic like your very own hoverboard. Just remember, those things won’t run on water, unless you’ve got power.

6. Censor Bar for Dirty Pictures

In the age of Photoshop, everyone is used to seeing pixilated boxes over an image that has questionable content. But once upon a time, people had to make do with giant black bars placed strategically over the faces of the anonymous, the gory, or the naked. With the Ride peripheral, you can relive the heyday of censorship. Retro is so in!

5. Melee Weapon for the Impending Zombie Apocalypse

The only good American citizens are those who already have a zombie preparedness kit somewhere in their home. Technically it’s not in the Constitution that you should have a shotgun with shells, canned food, a can opener, emergency blankets, a hammer and nails, flashlight with batteries, and several other survival items, but if I were in government, it sure as hell would come to the floor for a vote. One of the things any red-blooded citizen should have is a good bludgeon weapon. The Ride deck would totally do in a pinch.

4. Sled

Whether it be down a snow covered hillside, or down your parents’ carpeted staircase, there’s no feeling that can match a good sledding run. With the Ride peripheral, you can have the most stylish sleigh around.

3. Backboard for Midget Spinal Injuries

I’m not a trained medical professional, so the following should not be viewed as a recommendation of care for anyone. If you’ve ever seen an ambulance roll up on the scene of an accident, you know that one of the first things they grab is a backboard. But what if the person who is injured is a little person? Wouldn’t the full sized backboard be too much, and possibly insulting? With the Ride skateboard, EMTs can have the perfect size board for the vertically challenged.

2. Bong

Everyone knows, you can make a bong out of anything.

1. Actual Skateboard

If you buy Ride, chances are you already have at least a tentative interest in skateboarding. However there’s no reason you should expect that it will deliver anything close to the real deal. So there’s always the option of drilling a bunch of holes in the deck, popping a couple of trucks and a few wheels on it, and bam, you’ve got yourself the real thing. Sure, for $100 you might be able to buy a cheaper deck, but that’s not really the point.